Facing Fears: The Waiting Game Pt. 2 (PR 8/10/18)

As always, I’d like to begin this week’s progress report by thanking all of you awesome people who’ve followed, liked and/or commented on my blog!

Estimated Days Until Beginning the Sixth Draft (August 16): 6

No stats this week, since I’m not directly working on my manuscript.

Thoughts On Leaving My Book Alone

So, a little background if I haven’t mentioned it before. I have anxiety. And because of this, I tend to play it very, very safe in life, especially since I began taking this book seriously. I’ve held onto/saved my money as best as I could. I’ve been thrifty and I’ve tightened the proverbial belt when I’ve needed to. I know what you’re thinking. The same girl that goes to every Alter Bridge concert within 200 miles? The same girl who gets the meet & greet upgrades for said-concerts whenever available? The same girl who loves Starbucks and trips to the bookstore?

Well, folks, it’s all true. I do spend my money on those things, but aside from those things, I do try to play it conservative with my money. I try to only eat out once a week. I have severely limited my Starbucks intake since I’ve been taking this book seriously. I am subscribed to Kindle Unlimited and I use the library whenever possible.

These, among other things, are all things I’ve implemented in order to save and hold onto money for self-publishing my book and even though I’ve done very well with it, I’ve had this fear in the back of my mind that something will happen to wipe out everything I’ve saved and I won’t be able to publish on time. And this past weekend, I thought that actually might happen.

My beloved Chevrolet Cruze, which I finally managed to pay off at the beginning of this year, had a couple of dash lights come on while I was driving home from picking up the print of my fifth draft. Thankfully, the dealership I take it to was still open on Saturday afternoon and I was able to schedule my appointment for first thing Monday morning. Unfortunately, that meant 48 hours of truly facing my number one fear since starting on this journey: not having the means to publish my book by the time I turn 30 next June.

I cried, I hyperventilated, I vented my fears to my mom and a good friend, I indulged in a Supernatural binge. But in the midst of battling my anxiety, I remembered a couple of things from a self-help book I read a while back. First, usually in life when you need a certain amount of money for something essential (for instance, a car repair), you’re able to make it happen. Something about knowing you need a specific amount and setting your mind to it. Upon reading that, I reflected on my life and though I’ve had some hard financial times, this has generally been true. I may have had to eat peanut butter and jelly for a little while, but it’s generally worked out that way. The second thing was that mantras work. Now, I know this is where it gets a little woo-woo for some people and I completely understand that. But a while back, when I was trying to come back to my current day job, I took stickers of the company logo and put them on my old bulletin board. Whether or not that helped me get back to my current day job, I don’t know. But just in case there’s some truth to the mantra/visualization thing, I wrote this phrase on my paper calendar where I can see it:

It’s all gonna be okay. You’re gonna get through this month and through editing/proofreading and then you’re gonna get that book baby off to copyright!!!

I also wrote it on a post-it note on my home desk and on my phone background. And through the tears and the tension, every time I saw it, I tried to stop and read it all the way through.

On Monday, I got the news. New front brakes, new back brake sensor. She also needed an oil change and tire rotation. I won’t share the exact amount here, but it was a pretty penny…but not so much that it wiped me out. It’s going to need more repairs in the near future, but I will be able to get through editing and proofreading. I will still be able to get the book off to copyright. I’ll have to work hard and budget hard to put myself back where I was, but I swore that if I had enough to make it through copyright, I wouldn’t complain.

And I haven’t. I busted into relieved tears that I think scared my mom for a second. I walked around my house hugging my cats and thanking my lucky stars that it wasn’t worse.

And I won’t complain now either. This book is still happening. And I have to believe that it’s at least in part because I tried, harder than I ever have, to remain positive and believe it was all gonna be okay.

For the record, I’ve knocked on wood several times while writing this post. And the reaffirming mantras stay up until further notice.

Goals for the Coming Week

The editor said she’d have my book back to me by August 15th. Until then, I’m going to try to remain relaxed and positive. Once it comes back, though, it’s game on.

Note to Self

Maybe positive thinking and the woo-woo stuff works? Maybe because you are kind of beginning to believe it? Keep your eyes on the prize and your heart as steady as possible.

It’s all gonna be okay. You’re gonna get through this month and through editing/proofreading and then you’re gonna send that book baby off to copyright!!!


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